Army of Darkness VS Silent Hill
by bengrande
Summary: Ash gets an e-mail from his dead girlfriend Linda telling him to meet her in Silent Hill. In progress, please leave feedback!
1. Chapter 1

"Wikipedia? This doesn't look work related." Ash's shift supervisor, a stocky teenager named Brian, tried reading the old CRT display over Ash's shoulder in the break room. "Computer's for HR stuff only."

Ash slowly turned around in his chair. "Look here, tubby, HR's going to have a lot more on their hands than sexual harassment if the Evil in the woods escapes again. You weren't here last time a deadite trashed this place. People need to know what the hell this thing is."

Brian sighed and walked away. He had of course heard of the time Ash killed a homicidal customer. Among the few employees left that hadn't migrated to another whatever-mart or burger joint, the event was legendary. She was probably just cracked out on PCP, but the store's manager seemed to keep Ash around as thanks.

"Whatever. Just wrap it up." Brian left.

Ash saved his edits. "Rotten bastards better not edit my Necronomicon page." Ash looked at his watch. "Quittin' time." Ash shut down the computer and walked across the break room to his locker. After getting his things, he heard a notification ding from the PC speakers.

"The hell...coulda swore I shut it off..." He went to inspect the computer. It was off, the fan was silent, the power light dimmed. But the monitor was alive.

"That's a pretty sick background..." Ash muttered. Somebody had replaced the S-Mart logo with what was apparently a scanned in old photograph of a little girl covered in bandages. What flesh was exposed was covered in fourth degree burns. In the middle of the screen a message informed him he had a new e-mail message:

Oh Ash,

I know you thought you could bury me in your memories just like you buried me outside that cabin. But I forgive you. I'm waiting for you. I want to be with you. I'm here in Silent Hill. Hurry.

Love always,

Linda

Ash read and reread the e-mail. He wrote "Silent Hill" on a white and blue "Stay Smart, Stay S-Mart!" sticky note, and ran to the exit.

* * *

Ash's prosthetic right hand fumbled with his atlas as he sped towards his trailer in his trusty Oldsmobile Delta 88. "New England. This is gonna be a long drive." The car swerved as he circled the town of Silent Hill with a sharpie. "Ten hours if I don't stop to take a leak." Ash entered the Springwood Acres trailer court and followed the gravel path. He pulled up to a modest but well kept trailer, running over one of his many lawn flamingos in his hurry. "Home sweet home."

Ash passed the front door and walked straight back to his shed. He unlocked it and entered. Inside, Ash pulled the light switch, and did a quick survey of the room. "Hmm, definitely gonna need my boomstick." Ash grabbed the holster and double barrel Remington. Then he picked up his chainsaw, customized to fit onto the stump of his right arm. He filled the chainsaw's gas tank, then loaded every pocket with shotgun shells until he was bulging.

He then grabbed his "horse blanket" from its place of honor on a stack of old textbooks and survivalist handbooks. It still smelled like Sheila. "Too bad peasant broads smelled like shit back in the dark ages," Ash muttered sadly as he put the blanket back.

Twenty minutes later, after quickly choking down a couple hastily microwaved Jimmy Dean Pancakes and Sausages on a Stick, stowing his boomstick and related gear into his car, and talking his next door neighbor into feeding his cats Shelly, Scott, and Cheryl, Ash was on his way to Toluca County in New England. "So long Dearborn. Daddy will be back after he cleans up a little mess." According to the brief description in the atlas, Silent Hill was a small, quiet resort town on Lake Toluca. Didn't sound like the kind of place your ex-undead girlfriend would send letters from, but Ash noticed these guides tended to leave out useful information.

* * *

Ten hours, three bags of pork rinds, and two 64 oz Big Gulps of Dr Pepper later, Ash was nearing Toluca County. For the last couple hours, the scenery consisted of a dense evergreen forest. Each blink  
lasted a little longer until finally Ash leaned his head back and snored loudly. Ash jerked awake at the noise of his tires hitting the rumble strip on the side of the road. He barely had time to look out the front windshield to see-

"Oh shit!" Ash swerved in a desperate attempt to avoid the girl standing in the middle of the road. It was too late, and Ash barely had time to register the fact that his car passed through the girl before ramming the railing. The railing held, but the Delta 88 wasn't so lucky. The front end accordioned in on itself on impact, and Ash's forehead bounced off the steering wheel.

"Hell of a way to wake up...No! The girl!" The driver side door was jammed shut, so Ash crawled across the seat and exited through the passenger side.

"Hello?" He walked around to the back of the smoking wreckage of his car and looked for the girl. The fog was so thick he could only see a few feet in front of him, but after a few minutes of searching he was sure there were no signs. "I guess no news is good news." He started backtracking down the road. In the thick fog, Ash barely had time to stop before unexpectedly reaching the end of the road. "What the hell?" Ash cried as he pinwheeled his arms backwards. He sat down abruptly, panting with relief, then crawled to the edge. The road didn't just end, it dropped off into a seemingly bottomless abyss. The concrete was broken and crumbling and then, nothing. Ash scratched his head, certain he had just driven over the location of the chasm as a paved road.

Still, he hadn't murdered anybody, and there was something to say for that. He returned to the car. "Well, sweetie, I'm gonna have to go on without you. It's not you, it's me." He patted the top of the car lovingly before grabbing his supplies. _I guess the time for subtlety has passed,_ Ash thought as he removed his prosthetic hand and replaced it with his chainsaw. He put the hand in his satchel, and began the hike into town.

He hadn't been walking for five minutes when the faint outline of a sign was visible. Ash hurried up to investigate.

"Welcome to Silent Hill"

Ashley J Williams

Vs

Silent Hill

Through the snow and fog Ash saw the silhouette of the girl disappear down an alleyway. "Hey! Hey, wait up!" Ash ran to catch up with her. "Don't you want my insurance information?" He continued down the alley, past back yards, garages, and garbage cans. After a few dozen yards he reached a dead end. _Should have closed in the gap, she wasn't moving that fast_. Ash, bent over with his hands on his knees to catch his breath.

Nearby a chain link gate squeaked invitingly on its rusted hinges. Ash looked around, realized there was nowhere else the girl could have gone, and went through the gate. It screamed noisily. The gate led to a narrow alleyway behind the businesses facing the main street. Ash closed the gate behind him.

Within seconds, light faded from the sky, and Ash was left in pitch blackness. "Uh oh. Running out of time." He took out his army flashlight and shined the light around. No sign of the girl, so he continued down the alley.

"Hey little girl, come out, I'm not scary!" He looked at his chainsaw hand before adding "I mean, unless you're possessed by demons..." No response. _My luck she probably _is_ possessed by demons..._ Ash continued down the alley. He noticed an abandoned hospital wheelchair further down the alley, and further off, a discarded gurney. "You better not be hiding in these trash cans, they're probably full of horrible medical waste."

A few more steps and Ash was close enough to see the gurney was occupied. Blood and grime stained sheets were wrapped straightjacket tight over a motionless body. But it was too big to be the girl. "Hey buddy, you OK?" Ash poked the figure. It was firm and cold through the sheets. "Thanks a lot, Obamacare." He looked at the nearby buildings, none of which looked large enough to be a hospital. "Where the hell did you come from?" He made a mental note to notify OSHA or HIPAA or whatever, and abandoned the gurney to continue down the alley.

The alley opened up into a slightly larger area, enclosed in a fence. Ash swore in surprise as his flashlight caught a human body, arms spread out crucifixion style, hanging on the fence. He jabbed an index finger at the body's stomach and was unsurprised at its lack of reaction. "Ugh...smells like vegan bacon."

A shuffling of dragging feet behind Ash drew his attention suddenly from the corpse. He about-faced to find a small group of pale toddlers advancing on him, the flashlight beam glinting off the razor sharp knives each one held. Their flesh was pulled over their eye sockets, nose, and ears, leaving their faces smooth and featureless except for a small mouth. Their skin quivered like a corpse with maggots squirming under the cold skin. Ash backed away in horror. "Looks like the Make-a-Wish Foundation bus took a wrong turn."

No response. Ash started up the chainsaw, and swung it out in front of him. "Back off, kids!" They continued towards him. "Alright, that's fair warning." He pulled his sawed off double barrel from its holster on his back, leveled it at the closest monster, and blasted it back into the group. It didn't get back up, but the other monsters barely reacted. He pulled more shells from his shirt pocket and hastily reloaded.

One of the monsters got close enough to take a swing. Ash stepped backwards to dodge, then kicked it hard back into the middle of the crowd.

They continued to pour into the enclosure, and now that Ash's eyes had adjusted more to the darkness he could see no end to the little demons. He revved the idling chainsaw motor and started chopping babies in half. In under a minute the ground the alley looked like the controversial alternate ending to Kindergarten Cop.

Still, the monsters kept coming. He swung the chainsaw hard to the right, aiming a little high and lobotomizing one of the creatures. Minus the top half of its head, the monster took another step forward, then dropped dead.

Ash looked around nervously for witnesses. So far his list of law offenses had him considered an unhinged eccentric at worst, but he wasn't so sure if his lawyer could frame this one as self defense.

One of the monsters closed in on his left side and slashed through his left thigh, cutting his work pants and tearing open a huge gash. It then jumped on his leg and held tight, biting and stabbing him as Ash beat on its head head with the chainsaw's motor. "Aaaaugh! Little bastard!" He finally collapsed on it in pain as two more of the demons jumped on his right side, pulling him down to the ground. The enclosing filled with little pale children, swarming Ash's body, hacking away. Ash screamed and screamed, and was grateful for the end of it all as his consciousness finally faded.


	2. Chapter 2

Ash sat up suddenly on a wooden cot, panting and sweating. "Where in the hell..." He sat up slowly, disoriented, and looked around. He was in a small prison holding cell. It was empty except for the cot and a small sink and mirror. He made his way to the bathroom area and tried to get some water but nothing came out of the faucet.

He went to the cell door, tried to slide it open, and was unsurprised to find it was locked shut. He gave it a few yanks with his remaining hand before frustratedly yelling out "Hey, assholes! Let me the fuck out of here!"

He was surprised to get a response. From down the hall a woman's voice, "About time." A blonde in a police uniform approached the cell door.

"Look, lady, I don't know who the hell you are and can't remember how I got here or what the hell I was doing, it was probably important on an earth-saving level, so I need out of here PDQ."

She appeared unimpressed. "You're in Silent Hill. I followed gunshots and found you passed out in an alley."

"Silent Hill? Right, the e-mail." Ash fell briefly quiet as he remembered what had happened, crashing his car, following the girl, the encounter in the alley-"Woah woah woah! Uh, look officer, I know it looks like I took out a short bus worth of 1st graders with a shotgun and a chainsaw but I can explain!"

The officer crossed her arms across her chest and narrowed her eyes. "What are you talking about? I only found you there."

Ash looked at his left leg. The place where he had been stabbed was fine, no tear in the fabric or pain from a cut. Perfectly fine. "Must've been a dream," he muttered. "The thing about the dead monster kids was a joke. Um, hahaha, get it?"

"Nope."

"Please, uh, Cybil," he pleaded, reading her name off her name badge, "you gotta believe me. Wait, Brahms Police Department?"

"Yeah, I'm from the next town over. We lost communications with Silent Hill and I came to investigate. I'm going to need you to answer a few questions. What's your name?"

"Name's Ash. Housewares."

"Do you know where everybody is?"

"Nope. Like this when I got here."

"What are you doing in Silent Hill?"

"I don't have time to explain, and besides, isn't this out of your jurisdiction?" Cybil held up a key ring and jingled it. Ash sighed. "It's kind of a long story, but I'll give you the short version." Cybil lowered her hand and waited for him to proceed.

"When I was a dumb kid I drove my friends and me out to a cabin deep in the woods of Michigan. Heard from some buddies an archeology professor at our college owned it and rarely used it. We found a recording from the archaeologist reading passages from a book he had found in ancient Candarian ruins. The words from the book woke up some sort of evil force in the woods, it possessed my girlfriend, my sister, my best friend, and his girl. I had to chop off Linda's head with a shovel, then her disembodied head infected my hand with the Evil, so I chopped it off." He held up the stump as proof. Cybil listened.

"The archaeologist's daughter showed up and helped me banish the Evil through a portal that ended up also sucking me back to the dark ages. I delivered 1300 AD from the terror of the deadites, said some magic words, came back to the present, and have been fighting the Evil wherever I can. Last night I got an e-mail on an unplugged computer from my dead girlfriend asking I meet her in Silent Hill. So...can I have my chainsaw back now?"

Cybil smirked. "I think I might need to hear the long version of that story."

"I'm telling the truth! Let me out!"

"You're dangerous. I think you believe what you said, but that just makes you crazy. I'm going to leave you in there while I go check on the rest of the town. Don't worry, I'll send help for you."

"No!" Ash rattled the bars again. "You don't understand! The book, something's wrong with this town and I know it has something to do with that book! I'm the only one that can fight it!"

Cybil walked off. "Get some rest."

"No fucking way, I'm not gonna rot here while you get chopped up by little albinos with steak knives!"

"You seemed to make it through OK," she called back, before falling out of view. Seconds later, a door shut, and then silence.

Ash furiously kicked at the bars for a while. Once his tantrum subsided, he retreated to the bathroom mirror. _Stubbly and a little softer than I should be but at least I'm not wearing my usual facial beauty mask of demon blood and shit._

Ash sat back on the cot, and figuring since he was at the mercy of the cop, took the opportunity to get some sleep.

Sometime later Ash awoke. _Felt like I just slept for years... _The cell was dim now, the only light coming from a flickering bulb above the mirror. As his eyes adjusted he realized something was wrong.

Ash jumped off the cot suddenly as he noticed several stains of indeterminate origin. He walked over to the sink to try to get water again, but the faucet was now grimy and rusted from years of disuse, and nothing came from turning the creaking knob. Everything about the little room was stained and rusted. A few shards of mirror remained above the faucet, the rest of the glass in the sink or on the floor below.

Ash paced frustratedly in front of the bars but couldn't think of an escape plan. He beat and pulled on the bars with his good hand, managing to pull free one solid bar that had corroded heavily on its ends, enough to use as a weapon but nothing to provide enough space to squeeze his pork-rind swelled ass through.

He sat gingerly on the disgusting cot to think of a plan. Only a few moments had passed when he heard a door open down the hall, out of his sight in the darkness.

"Cybil?" No response. Down the hall, turning the corner, a man-shaped figure appeared. "Hey fella, jail's closed for the day." Something about the way it moved unsettled Ash, it walked in fits and jerks. It looked like it was trying each step to throw off its full body straight-jacket..

"Uh, wait there." Ash looked around desperately for a weapon. The cell was empty, and there was nothing in the hall, not even a fire extinguisher.

The straightjacketed figure closed in on Ash, no more than 10 feet away. Ash grabbed the rusty bar he had freed and stood up. By now the figure was almost directly in front of the cell. Ash lowered the bar momentarily in horror as he realized the figure wasn't just wearing a straightjacket, it _was_ the straightjacket. Something had stretched the figure's skin over its arms, eyes, and legs, and it seemed to be trying to jerk itself free of it. The face was featureless except for a large lipless mouth.

With nowhere to go, Ash backed into a corner of his cell. "Look buddy, I don't wanna brain you with this stick if I don't have to. Give me a sign you aren't some sort of hell spawn, I'll see if I can get you out of that jacket, and we can go grab a cold one?"

The creature turned to the cell and suddenly hunched over. It made convulsing retching motions, its entire body shaking in anticipation of the ensuing spray of black goo erupting out of the creature's mouth.

"Ow, ow, ow, sonuvabitch!" A few flecks of vomit had reached Ash's left arm, burning right through his blue shirt and into his skin. He rubbed at the spots with his right stump, but the damage seemed to be minimal.

The cell bars had caught the full brunt of the spray. Most of the bars disintegrated, and the rest were damaged enough to fall in pieces to the floor. The smell of burnt chemicals was overwhelming. Worse, nothing remained between Ash and the monster. It recovered almost immediately and stepped easily into the cell.

The monster moved towards Ash, and as soon as it was within reach of his weapon Ash raised the rusted stick and brought it down on the monster's head with his considerable strength. The monster staggered momentarily but shook off the blow. It hunched over again, and began convulsing as it readied another load of acid barf. Ash continued beating it about the shoulders and head but it didn't react.

The monster finally leaned back and opened its mouth. Ash switched to an overhand grip and stabbed the bar downward with all his might, into the creature's mouth and down into its throat, yelling "Say it into the microphone!" The monster's knees buckled and it fell backwards under the force of the blow. Ash stepped back as it lay on its back, black acid gurgling and bubbling out of its mouth, burning its face as it bubbled out and dissolving the bar. The smell was unbearable.

Ash stepped out of the cell through the large opening and hurried down the hall into the police station's lobby. It was a small station and the apparent passage of time had made the rotten wood of the desk drawers easy to break into. It only took a few moments of searching to determine his weapons were not in the building, but one of the desks had a handgun and a few boxes of ammo. If the knife wielding babies and straight jacketed acid spitters were any indication of the kind of bullshit he'd be putting up with on this vacation it probably wouldn't be much help, but he supposed it was better than nothing.

More importantly, in the same drawer, was a folded up street map of Silent Hill. He unfolded it on the desk and looked it over, locating the police station and trying to figure out his next step. It was a fairly standard town, a giant lake in the middle, suburban and shopping areas... _Midwich Elementary...maybe I'll crash a PTA meeting and let them know what stabby turds their kids are...__Hmm, the hospital might have some clues about the medical equipment in that alley...waitaminute..."_OH HELL YEAH!" Ash yelled triumphantly as he circled CUT-RITE- CHAINSAWS.


End file.
